dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Randomize
