You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize