I'm so fucking centered right now
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
