Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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