Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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