he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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