Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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