so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
