No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
