just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
you would pick up someone in the library
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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