What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize