I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
