She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
