so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
