Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize