I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
