he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
