We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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