Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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