I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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