I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
