My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
What a dumb baby whore.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
