I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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