and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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