i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Randomize
