i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
