The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
