I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
