i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
