im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
