So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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