Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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