This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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