i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
