I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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