Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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