I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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