I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
i think im in europe. pls send help
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
