Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
