i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I have surprise drugs for everyone
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
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