his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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