where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
