I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize