Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
