this beer tastes like vomit already
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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