Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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