and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
