Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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