i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
