i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
