Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
