You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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