I just cut my nipple shaving
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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