It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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