your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I'm passing your future prison.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
