ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
