Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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